Please shut up! I am meditating damn it!

This morning gave me an opportunity to shake hands with my enlightened ego. It was as if my ego was wearing on old time joke hand buzzer and I was fooled into the old gag.   

For the past few weeks my wife and I have made a practice of reading a verse from the Tao Te Ching every morning. Recently we have skipped this practice. When she left for work, my energy gave me away that something was off. Not understanding my own forces at work and not wanting to make her late or wrong, I had nothing to offer her when she asked if I was upset. "Upset" was not really the word that resonated with me. Confused and unsettled... perhaps.

My ego interpretation of her not making time to read versus with me is that she is not committed or truly interested in what is being offered in the Tao. Once she left the house I decided to investigate my own attachment, agenda and expectation through a text conversation. Through the miracle of SMS here is the conversation exactly:

Conversation with Linda

Me (6:47 AM):
I think i was attached to the tao being important enough for you to make time this morning per your own desire vs my prodding.
Me (6:48 AM):
I feel like a pest
Linda (6:51 AM):
Its one thing to read the tao. Its another to live it. is your attachment serving you?
Me (6:52 AM):
No. Reading it and living it are part of the same unfolding.
Me (6:55 AM):
It is important to me. I value the moments spent together reading and sharing. I don't feel it is that important to you.
Me (6:56 AM):
Coming to terms with letting go of something i really enjoy.
Linda (6:57 AM):
Do you have resistance to letting things unfold naturally vs pushing? So what if you reread a verse two days in a row. Perhaps you will learn from this review.
Me (7:00 AM):
Perhaps. I am uncomfortable with what is. And that is a message clear enough for me to understand and look at.
Linda (7:00 AM):
Do you think guilt is persuading me to be more diligent?
Me (7:00 AM):
No matter how noble... It is still an agenda.
Me (7:01 AM):
No.
Me (7:02 AM):
Guilt isnt my objective. Removing my blocks by bringing awareness to them is.
Linda (7:01 AM):
Yep.
Me (7:03 AM):
Not much fun really but useful
Me (7:04 AM):
Thx for the chat
Me (7:05 AM):
Be safe. I love you. Sus.
Linda (7:07 AM):
For the record, it is important. I am just still building that muscle. Perhaps you could support me, rather than acting so disappointed.
Linda (7:08 AM):
You open to feedback? Its pretty forward.
Linda (7:11 AM):
Do you understand it is important to me too? You have just dedicated more time to cultivating a practice of this sort of thing.
Me (7:11 AM):
I am on my agenda. Attached to my expectation. My disappointment is in my reaction. Of course i allow it to be projected on you until the point that i can see what is really going on. For that i am sorry It is just another version of what occurred saturday night.
Linda (7:11 AM):
Besides. You said i could always call and have you read it.
Me (7:13 AM):
Yes. But my ego was telling me that you only do that to appease me.
Linda (7:14 AM):
I love you baby p. Relax a bit There is nothing you need to struggle to be or to prove. Take time to enjoy life. Breathe.
Me (7:15 AM):
I should pretty much count on more opportunities to deal with my insecurity, acceptance and agenda issues until i am able to be transparent.
Linda (7:16 AM):
Respect me enough to know i am a woman who makes my own choices. If i was not interested, i would say so.
Me (7:16 AM):
I am feeling the humor here. It is arriving one bit at a time as i soften and surrender
Me (7:18 AM):
Yes. This is not about you except that in your reflection i see what i can work on. You have done nothing but be.
Linda (7:18 AM):
And regarding last night, i was sleepy. I wanted to listen, but also wanted to sleep. How often do i fall asleep watching a movie i want to see? Dont take it personally
Me (7:18 AM):
I am good. You good?
Linda (7:19 AM):
Was tom ever successful at getting you interested in church?
Linda (7:18 AM):
Personally. When its time for bed, its time for bed!;)
Me (7:20 AM):
:)
Linda (7:22 AM):
:)yes baby. I am good.
Me (7:23 AM):
sus
Linda (7:29 AM):
Sus sweet p!

End

How ironic? Struggling and being upset over my attachment, expectation and agenda to getting enlightened. Of course, all these ways of being are in direct opposition to "The Way" / The Tao. Perhaps not in opposition since the Tao is all of everything even attachment, expectation and agenda. However, the suffering I felt and caused would have been unnecessary had I been in harmony with what was vs. going against the moment and Linda's choices. And yet again, all that transpired did so to bring about the opportunity for our growth.

There is just no going back once one has taken the red pill. I get to own it all.