Anything that I could never give up serves to show me that I have an attachment. This attachment will ultimately lead to suffering if I am not able to let it go. There are many things that would be very difficult to give up, relationships to loved ones being primary. However, even these forms of relationship and all else ultimately will dissolve. If I stay attached to them when they pass I am imprisoning myself in suffering. For me, life is a continual process of letting go, especially of those thing that I think I can't give up.         

Unquestionably, Churney Pez foremost. Pez, (for short) embodies the possiblity spoken of by Adyashanti to be an enlightend or awakend animal. I was just listening to him speak of this yesterday.

When Pez is in the room her energy can be felt. What is more so, is her keen sense to know when one of her family members is in distress. Pez is pure love. She serves as an expample to help me know what unconditional love really looks like. I just went back and corrected the tense in which I refer to Pez, as she passed from her physical form in August. She is still here. I feel her often. Like right now. I miss her and my tears are tied to fond memories of when I could feel her breath and cold nose. She is the best snuggler ever.

As I revisit my life with her I see that she underwent her own transformation from wild junkyard dog to a loving princess. When my daughter was born Pez became our in house nanny. She looked over Zoe as if Zoe were her own. So gentle yet possesing an alert warrioir heart.

She ate shower curtains, loved to dig, and asserted her iron will while on walks. She gave me more than one opportuinty to learn acceptance and forgivness too.

Pez, thank you for finding me. I love and miss you.

Grey. I appreciate pure white light, the inclusion of all colors or fullness, everything. I also appreciate black, the absence of all colors or emptiness, the void. Between the two my life moves in Greys.

 

Yesterday I was listening to Tripp Lanier of the "New Man Podcast" interview Brain Johnson, creator of Zaadz. I highly recommend anyone listen to the interview.

Part one http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/238-the-new-man/episodes/29477-brian-johnson-what-would-do-if-weren-t

Part two http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/238-the-new-man/episodes/30546-brian-johnson-pt2-do-balls-live-life

I got many valuable reminders from this interaction and one very new concept. Tripp described a life practice of asking him self (paraphrase), "If my life were a book, would I be stuck in the same boring shit chapter after chapter. Would my life book be so boring that I'd want to stop reading my own story?"

This perspective propels me to being the proactive conscious author of my own story. With this practice, I get to ask, "What will I, Josh, do in the next chapter?" Is the story captivating enough to hold my own attention or the attention of a third party? If so, cool... stay with this story line. If not, have the balls to end this chapter and start a new one.

I see that I have been fortunately following this formula with out stating it as eloquently as Tripp did.

In my book, the newest chapter is about how my study and practice of meditation is leading me to connecting with indigenous spiritual practices and plants. The last chapter was about radical forgiveness. Chapter before that was about trusting instincts, retiring from a twelve year real estate career and learning to live simply. I'd keep reading. The next chapter will be about visiting Costa Rica to explore the possibilities of moving there.           

The reminders I got from the rest of the podcast were the following:

• Honor my daily practices of meditation, journaling, reading, working out, and eating well. (My practices are very similar to those of Brain Johnson. I felt some validation in that and I also see that I need no validation.)
• Decide: What is one thing I am putting off, avoiding? Take Action
• Decide: What is one thing I know I need to stop doing? Take Action
• Stay still enough to hear myself and trust what I hear.
• Don't be afraid to create a few train wrecks. That is the learning process of getting the trains to run smoothly.

This was such a powerful episode that I'll be listening to it again for the distinctions discussed. There was much about having long term vision and staying with IT, what ever IT is for me. And if I don't know what IT is, stay with the question until IT becomes clear.  

I like Brain Johnson's approach to journaling. He talked about the impact Deepak's Seven Spiritual Laws had on him. Number Seven The Law of "Dharma" or Purpose in Life. Rephrased to ask, What would you do if money, time and fear were of no consideration? Brain journals on his vision daily to keep his vision clear. This practice speaks to me. I will be journaling on my vision for the next 30 days starting today.

Thanks for the inspiration men.

 

Oh, what I need to start doing?
CPT Certified Personal Trainer. Will be complete by April.
What I need to stop doing?

Loosing 30-60 minutes of time per day to unconscious web browsing.

    

Today begins a practice of dialing journaling my personal vision.

I am to be a fully realized human being and instrument of health and wellness. I desire to help people themselves from physical, emotional, and spiritual disharmony. I desire to live naturally with and in nature. (I saw Lord of the Rings the other day and the life of the Hobbits portrayed in the Shire is quite in alignment with what I envision.)

Joshua - Bible
Lance - Camelot
Hodnett - Viking

I envision living in synchronicity with the planet. This means that my priorities are creating time to place my bare feet on the ground at least once per day, to meditate outside in the morning and evening, and to further cultivate what ever practices resonate with me. This takes place in a closely knit community that honors and respects personal practices. Not a commune necessarily. I this vision it is common to see and experience others connecting with themselves and the earth in public places. Stillness and silence is sacred to all. In this place there are places for children to play with other children and to play with adults. Laughter is a common echo. Adults have the opportunity to be as children. Everything in this community is with in walking or bicycle distance. The economy is local. Everything needed to sustain the community comes from within the community. All those in the community are committed to life long learning.     

I see my mind existing on various channels from levels of ego to super-consciousness when it becomes MIND not my mind. The relationship of mind to my body depends on what channel of consciousness I am tapped into at any given moment. When in ego, my body is the servant of the out of control mind. When I get connected to higher states of consciousness mind becomes the servant of my body and all of life. I have realized that my physical-ness (health, fitness, finances, relationship...) all originates in the mind. Mind is the gardener of the fertile field within which I exist. To become a master gardener is to master mind. As I master mind I also master my body. Thoughts are things.

All beings know that they are ONE.

I loved and still love getting in touch with new concepts and experimenting with them in a way that gives me an undeniable personal experience. Some of my greatest lessons come from the school of hard knocks, experience being my best teacher. The feeling of continuous expansion is important to me.

This desire for expansion has called me to LifeSpring, The School of Metaphysics, and many routes of self study in eastern practices and recently leading me into shamanism.  

I high school I thrived in the theater. My senior year I had all but one of my classes in the theater arts building.        

   

I awoke this morning from a journey facilitated by drinking mushroom tea, Amanita Muscaria. My first thought when I awoke was gratitude for my wife and friend Peter that acted as safeguards or sitters for my experience.

I have been preparing for an ayahuasca journey for the last two weeks. I abandoned the endeavor seven hours before I was to drink. I brewed the drink ceremonially the day before which was a ten hour process.  I received feedback at the last minute that landed. I really don't know what I am doing and that I should be patient and allow an experience shaman to facilitate, instruct and guide me into this realm of the master plant teachers. So I am listening. The brew sits in my fridge waiting for whatever is next.

I had a back up plan in case I decided to not partake of the ayahuasca. This is the mushroom tea, Amanita Muscaria, another powerful master plant teacher. Initially I was going to take them together; however, I decided that I don't have enough herbal understanding to do this without too high a risk.

Last night after attending a gathering on energy healing, hypnosis, sacred space and aromatic oils and an awesome two hour drum circle... I brewed the mushroom tea in accordance with the best guidance I could find online. I took 10 grams initially. After ninty minutes I was still very much in the relative reality of the conventional world. I decided that I would take some more. I weighed and ground another 8 grams. At the suggestion of my sitters I took a few grams and smoked them, took a few grams and ate them and made tea again from the rest. After consuming the tea I began to sweat a cold sweat and decided to take a shower. Upon taking the shower I dared to follow the description I had read about the use of this mushroom in shamanic and tribal settings. Traditionally the shaman would take the mushroom and pass it thru his urine which would be consumed by the members of the tribe for their spiritual and physical healing. While taking my shower I collected my urine and took two swallows. I shudder to recall. However, this may have been critical to the experience that followed. Future experiences will help me to understand the impact this may have had.  

After the shower I ate a little food apple sauce, blue corn chips with hummus and then some popcorn. I began to see my surroundings as two dimensional puzzle pieces fitting together in the fabric of space. Soon thereafter, I noticed the screen of my mind producing and filling up with letters and numbers with the feeling that this process unfolding was giving me the capacity to relate my experiences to my sitters. Perhaps without this process I would find it hard to connect with them.

I continued to sweat cold sweat. I put on socks and a sweater to help me regulate my temperature.

I recall the experience of seeing everything in my vision as a painting that I am responsible for painting. It was as if the space around me was a canvas that I instantly filled. I painted effortlessly with my perceptions. I could see that I was completely responsible for the painting. Even for painting the others in my experience.

I went outside to see if I could develop a connection with nature as I had in the past with different spiritual medicines. In the past I had seen and felt the energy and consciousness of plants. I watched the grass grow and could feel empathically the emotions coming off the trees, grass, flowers and shrubs. This was not the experience from last night. I experienced more that I was painting my reality on the canvas and space of the night.

I had a battery of questions to ask of the plant teacher while in this altered state. I had imagined that I would sense some entity separate from myself who would answer my questions. The answers to what I considered deep and meaningful questions were answered by me in very simple terms. My answers seemed superficial to my sitters but honest and forthright from my perspective in the moment.

For example: What am I avoiding? Answer: Cleaning the cat box.

This is very true. But not in the arena I would have liked.

Many questions had no answers. Like, "What am I pretending not to know?"

My questions were prepared to align with the spirit of ayahuasca not the mushroom. Perhaps I was working with a less useful medium that what I had been preparing for. Then again, I subscribe to the notion, "A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place, but a seed to be planted and to bear more seeds toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea."~ Henry David Thoreau. I also see the ultimate question of "What Am I?" not resolving into an answer but dissolving the questioner. This seemed to be the theme for the evening.

After moving back inside I began to feel into my sitters. This part is very faint like a dream trying to escape being remembered. As we sat in the living room I began to feel the separateness of our physical forms dissolve. It was if I flowed into and became or merged with Peter. Then as Peter, I flowed into and became Linda. There appeared to be an endless feedback loop of us flowing into and out of each other. This is the last experience I recall form the evening.

My sitters report that I talked to myself for several more hours. Mostly it seemed that I was confirming what ever experience was playing out in my consciousness with affirmative phrases. My demeanor was described as child like and responses to question incoherent.   

This has been an opportunity to release expectation based on past experiences which I noticed I have carried with me into this experiment. I expected to maintain a higher degree of lucidity and consciously direct my experience. I had hopes of entering into deep meditative states in which my deepest yearning and questions of life would be addressed and begin to unravel. My daily meditation practice serves me better for this purpose than the experience of last night. It occurs to me that I took a larger dose than recommended. Perhaps if I were to have not taken the second dose and experimented with the subtle state that was becoming apparent I would have been able to have consciously directed my experience with a degree of discipline and meaning.    

I awoke this morning from a journey facilitated by drinking mushroom tea, Amanita Muscaria. My first thought when I awoke was gratitude for my wife and friend Peter that acted as safeguards or sitters for my experience.

http://transformationthrulove.gaia.com/blog/2009/3/amanita_muscaria

I am living with my family in the mountains near the ocean. The landscape is painted with deep greens and splashes of vivid color from the tropical flowers and vegetation. I spend the morning in stillness and silence. The sun rises to greet me while I sit. Breakfast is taken out side in view of the rolling waves of the ocean. After connecting with my wife and daughter over a post breakfast tea, I head to the wellness center, the practice I created for the good of all concerned. I begin this particular day by leading a group breathing and yoga practice. Thereafter, I work with groups and individuals to increase health, vitality, strength, flexibility and centeredness in their lives. I am supported well with a committed staff of practitioners; therefore, I am able to return home most days in the early afternoon to be reunited with my family. I am quite often able to stay with my family and entrust the center to those who I have chosen to lead. I am experiencing the bliss of life. I am preparing this evening for a hang gliding excursion tomorrow.

Water, Thanks for being. We could not do this without you.

Believing the illusions I create from fear is a disservice to me and all those concerned. It is here that danger exists relative to the degree of doubt that can grow from the unseen seed of fear.  Fear is a great gift if used wisely. Fear can tell me where I am stuck, what I am avoiding, where I need to be directing my energy to break through to new levels of self mastery. Un-met, or un-mastered fear can be the source of great pain and unconsciousness.   

http://transformationthrulove.gaia.com/blog/2009/1/how_do_you_deal_with_fear

Recently, my wife and I have asked ourselves, "What would I do if I weren't afraid?" I take that and ask myself what would I do if I knew I couldn't be hurt or hurt others? The implications are boundless. Furthermore, even in the most loving, supportive, compassionate relationship... how are the two people in relationship holding each other back? What is possible if we had the courage to love each other enough to dare to explore the world apart for a time rooted in the foundation of truth, trust and love made manifest in the relationship that we created together? Would it even be necessary to be "apart" if we both knew we could not be hurt?

Recently my wife has asked that we plan a week apart from each other as an exercise in differentiation. Linda would like to feel more confident in her ability to be self existing and self reliant. She feels that she can get closer to this knowing of her self by not having me on hand to care for her or to care for our daughter for a time. This will give me the opportunity to freely go and have an experience on my own as well. I am drawn to Peru.

Her request has opened an interesting line of questions. What if the request for differentiation was a year vs. a week?   

Would we be willing to risk what we know for what we don't know, for the possibility of an even greater experience of the fullness of love and life?

We have discussed the theoretical implications of having marriage as a five year contract renewed at an option by both parties at the end of five years. Imagine the difference this may make in our efforts to be spontaneous, supportive and our best at all times for the other spouse. Slack off... and you may not get your contract renewed!  

We also discussed is the idea of taking a year off from marriage to freely explore whatever may be calling to us that we have used the excuse or inconvenience of marriage to put off or avoid. Granted the risks of these scenarios are that what we have now will not be there in a year. That we will have evolved individually and the entity that is created between us will not have been nurtured. Is it possible to be in union without holding each other back? It is the process of the intimacy created between us that has allowed our conscious evolution to be what it is? Would the cultivation of intimacy between me and more than one person lead to a deeper, more meaningful and fulfilling life experience? Same for my wife? What of sexuality to foster intimacy? Is sexuality a cheap path to intimacy? Or, like the woman awaiting her man from the desert... will the choice to remain intimate and sexual with only each other lead to the greatest appreciation and connection once reunited? Can absence make the heart grow even fonder beyond current comprehension?   

Do I have the courage to go live in a monastic setting for a year or live among indigenous Amazon shaman with the intent to bring back to the relationship the greatest version of myself that I can offer?

These kinds of questions are natural for my wife and me when we begin to think and feel into living a life unafraid.      

Ultimately what we have now will not be here in year regardless. The nature of relationship is impermanence.

I'd like to request authentic feedback from any and all that cares enough to chime in with their thoughts and experience pertaining to what is shared here.

*  I noticed the energy with which I wrote this has me feeling uncomfortable with where I am. I feel like I am forcing myself to get somewhere vs. just being where I am.

Surfacing today... 

How do I begin to do what I love and derive an income that will allow me to simply and comfortably support my family while saving, giving and investing 30% of my earnings?

My passions: serving others, physical fitness, personal and group training, yoga, nutrition, Thai yoga massage, being in nature, self development, personal effectiveness, philosophy, spiritual exploration, meditation, conscious relating, authentic men and women in relationship, playing music (guitar, drums, bass)...

So, how do I focus my energy in a way that I can give these gifts to those wanting to receive what I have to offer? How can I bring these passions together under one umbrella? Or will each passion be stronger standing on its own?   

A plan would be useful.

I am reminded of a production of Thieves Carnival I was in, in 1994.

Quite often, a theatrical production is chosen based on the strength of one very talented actor. This person is the focal point of the show and usually is the celebrity in the community. In 1994, most of the actors participating in the seasons show were well trained and talented. The director wisely chose a show suited to fit the available talent wherein each actor would have the opportunity to shine their brightest. No one actor could be the star of this production. The result of picking the right show to fit the acting resources proved amazing. This was the best show produced in years.

I am looking at each of my passions as an actor. Is there one actor, passion or talent that is clearly the star or stands above all others? While looking the feedback I have received from those I am in relationship with and am serving, I see that many of these passions merge into each other. Is there a career path available to me that will allow me to bring forth the majority of my passion and gifts? Or, I am now required to write the script and create my own show, my own career path? Perhaps a blend of the two is best?

What do I love that I do well enough today that society will pay me to do it?

Life coaching with modules addressing body, mind, soul and relationship is what comes to me.

I feel a new economy is being born, an economy where guidance and insight replace the traditional products and services model of our past. I sense that I am being guided to develop the skill and a plan that will allow me to offer guidance and insight derived from my passions and personal experience.    

What of credentials in the arena of life coaching? My last certified/qualified life coach, per his own testimony, received tremendous value from me. Our relationship developed into one where I began coaching him.

Is certification required in order to be effective? I think not. A musician doesn't need a degree to play the music that comes naturally to him; granted thousand of hours of practice results in the ability to perform to a level appreciated by others.

What of life coach training programs? Will they result in a higher degree of success, better results in the lives of my clients? It is hard to say. I look at any certification as proof that a person has completed a minimum of proficiency and competency. However, this does not mean the individual is good at what they do. I have met many practitioners in business, law, medicine, and fitness that have the certifications and yet perform at levels below those with out certifications. I know that certifications are the method by which our current society attempts to limit the suffering caused by those that would do harm.   

By choosing and committing to achieving certifications am I opening myself to gaining further value to offer to those I will serve? Or, am I wasting time and energy by not trusting that I am ready now?

I know all the answers I seek are within me. I trust that I am being guided to patiently allow these answers to unfold. I am to remain open, attentive and present noticing when action is required and when it is not.

I will spend this weekend in nature creating an environment to receive whatever guidance I may be unable to hear amongst the noise of daily life.     

Today I revisited some old patterns of feeling like I need to force things to happen or force change to occur vs. allowing things to occur and allow things to change. I am pretty sure a discussion of finances brought on the conditions for me to dwell in place of doubt and insecurity for a time. I noticed that I was untrue to my daily practice of greeting the morning at sun rise and morning meditation. The whole day felt off. I did make time tonight about 9:30 PM to sit for 45 minutes. In that space I was visited by a dreadful image from M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. The scene was of an old woman banging her head against the side of her brick home with such force the house shook. She was trying to kill herself by banging her head. I think I actually gasped when the image arose. I reacted by wanting to push it away; however, I allowed it to be there for a time as disturbing as it was. This scene played itself over and over for a few moments then faded. It was not until after the meditation that I started connecting with the language of the mind and dreams. I made the connection then that I was doing to myself today what my mind was conveying to me through this graphic series of images. Revisiting this old way of being, needing to force, was indeed hitting my head against the wall of what is. I am reminded to be with what is, allow life to flow to and through me, and when action is needed it will be clear and harmonious. I have evidence enough to know this. Perhaps I created some conflicting evidence today to make me think I needed to force something to happen.        

My journal, photos of me with my family, and copy of the Tao Te Ching.

"Next stop, Nirvana!"

Save the world from what? Saving the world implies that something is currently amiss... that something is wrong. "Wrong" by its nature is relative and requires we entertain duality which is a human perception rooted in limited consciousness.

I don't see our collective mission as "saving the world".  It is not up to us to save the world. The world doesn't need our saving it.  It is up to us to master or save ourselves; but, this is not a requirement. It may only make our lives more enjoyable as life evolves on its scheduled course.

It is humanity that is out of harmony with the world, and our own connection to creation. And paradoxically, being out of harmony is perfectly in harmony with the evolutionary design unfolding before us. Anything that happens to the Earth as a result of humanity's collective irresponsibility will ultimately be used for the highest good of all concerned. All those concerned goes beyond this planet to include consciousness itself, what ever that is.      

What if human beings and planet Earth become extinct in the service of the evolution of consciousness and the good of all creation?      

Viewing the relationship of humans to the Earth as a metaphor for an intimate relationship between two people, the possibility occurs to me that our relationship to the Earth may end in separation, divorce or worse. This doesn't mean that the relationship was/is not valuable. It shows me that we still have much to learn about love, forgiveness, acceptance, and harmony. Perhaps what we have experienced in this relationship with this Earth will better prepare us for the next relationship we find ourselves in.

Our many spiritual traditions point Earth as Heaven. It could be argued that any galactic civilization on any life sustaining planet that live in accordance with the principles of love and harmony are experiencing Heaven. Just as any two human beings in relationship living in accordance with the principles of love and harmony are too experiencing Heaven. This is reminder to me that Heaven is an internal state with external manifestations showing up when one has arrived.

Many scholars have proposed that humanity has had various relationships with Earth in the past that resulted in separation and forgetfulness. The civilizations of Mu and Atlantis both found themselves destroyed for one reason or another; however, life continued.  Will it be the same with our current civilization if we don't remember the lessons of the past and begin to live from the inside out?  Is it our collective choice weather or not we will experience the manifest state of Heaven while on this planet?

The entire cosmos is aligning itself with us now a.k.a. 2012 - the awakening of the collective world mind. It could be that we are destined for collective enlightenment by default and there is nothing we need to do or struggle to BE for this to unfold. It may be that learning to BE is the easiest way to adapt to the changes occurring. If we collectively fight against these natural processes, I see that we could render ourselves extinct. In that case it may take another 25,800 years or more for civilization to reach the zenith of the galactic cycle where we are today. It is like missing a train that comes around every 25,800 years. Don't worry. Another one will be around shortly. It would be nice if we can catch this train while I am alive. "Next stop, Nirvana!"            

I connected with an interesting BOTH AND approach to a question that has been circulating within me for a few months. What is next in my career AND how can I utilize my talents and passions?

The idea of bridging a real estate brokerage with personal fitness / training came to mind. In short those that wish to buy and home and get healthy at the same time are my target audience. Compensation can be by the hour or by commission when I buy or sell a home with them.

This is one solution how I may:

Generate consistent income while the market is slow

Utilize my twelve years of experience in the real estate arena

Train Coach those I am in relationship with

Get the enjoyable experience of helping people transform.

Create more intimate relationships with those I work with.

Utilize my existing real estate contacts most efficiently.   

Sounds a little different; however, it is a unique expression of some of my gifts.

The equation 1+1 = 3+

The result of the energy of two or more is always much greater than the conventional sum of it parts.

I took lessons at the Fort Worth Boy's Club. I don't recall my age... under five I think.  I remember learning to float on my back was the most frightening and exhilarating experience. Once I mastered it I felt triumphant.   

One ago I was one month in to my enrollment at the Dallas School of Metaphysics. I had begun several daily practices to increase attention and concentration. I had begun a dream journal and this particular day I had an insight paralleling my sexual energy with the ability to penetrate my, world, work, passions, etc... In short, if I threw off my sexual energy in orgasm, this at times, diluted my potency in other arenas of my life. I was gathering the courage to simplify my home by downsizing. I was investigating the nature of unconditional love and gathering the courage for a relationship experiment to gain personal experience and wisdom.       

"Good morning. This is your highest self. I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day!" -to copy Wayne Dyer

I feel that being in the question is the best way to hear my highest self.

Who am I being?
What am I committed to?
Am I being compassionate, humble and giving?
What am I resisting?
How can i yield?
What am I afraid of?

My highest self asks these questions of my small self. I step into my higher self by acting in accordance with my heart vs. my head.

Be patient, persistent and determined in the practice and cultivation of knowing our own hearts, higher selves and being in harmony what all that IS. This kind of practice, Mahatma Gandhi once said, requires the patience of someone trying to empty the sea with a teacup. Fortunately, I feel we are entering an era where the entire Universe is conspiring to help us to empty the sea. This does not relieve us of our personal responsibility to master ourselves.